The Lighter Side of Rape

 

 

Players:

 

A Man……A Rapist

A Woman……A Rape Victim

Some God……A Commentator

Some Devil……A Commentator

 

 

(Curtains open but in the dark we hear the Commentators talking.)

 

Some God: This is wrong. And it was very rude of you to invite me to watch this.

 

Some Devil: Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I took the liberty of disarming him and suppressing his violence center. As for her, I’ve suppressed her fear center. They’ll be fine; just sit back and enjoy the show.

 

Some God: You’re sick.

 

Some Devil: Not your best work ‘eh? It’s ok, prototypes tend to be buggy. And then there’s your attitude towards the first born—

 

Some God: Don’t you start—

 

Some Devil: Shhhh…the story begins.

 

(On stage is a bed with a woman in a mini skirt and bra handcuffed to it. A man stands at the foot of the bed in jeans and a plaid shirt; he has a pistol stuck in his waistband.)

 

Some God: You said you disarmed him! Liar!

 

Some Devil: The gun’s empty; don’t shit yourself.

 

Woman: Well?

 

Man: Shut up. I’m gonna look at ya for a while. I wanna see you squirm.

 

Woman: (blandly) But I’m not squirming.

 

Man: Don’t sass me bitch! (He points the gun upwards and pulls the trigger repeatedly but it just clicks emptily.)

 

Some God: You said you took away his violent tendencies!

 

Some Devil: I said I suppressed them. I can’t leave him completely defenseless against this woman.

 

Woman: At least I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant—you shooting blanks and all.

 

Man: (Tossing the gun away angrily) Piece of crap! Oh, I’ll show you what I can shoot, missy! (He opens his pants.)

 

Woman: Oh my God! That is such a turn off!

 

Man: What?

 

Woman: You were about to take off your pants before your shirt. Don’t you ever watch TV? Have you ever seen Robert Redford take off his pants before his shirt? If you’re gonna do this be cool about it. Shirt off first, dude.

 

Man: I’ll show you who’s cool…

 

Woman: Yeah, right. So far all you’ve done is talk shit and stand there with your fly open.

 

Man: (Quickly zipping up) Not true—Ow! Oh, shit! Goddammit! (As the zipper catches something)

 

Woman: Now you’re in real trouble.

 

Man: (wincing) And why is that?

 

Woman: Coz now that your dick is all cut up its gonna be awfully painful rapin’ me—unless I’m properly turned on first…

 

Man: What?

 

Woman: You know, moisturized and all…?

 

Man: I can take pain. And we’re here so I can rape you, not rock your world, lady. (He advances.)

 

Woman: Whatever…But I take it you’ve never fucked a totally dry, tight and unaroused pussy with a wounded dick before. Coz if you have you wouldn’t be wanting to do it again.

 

Man: (pauses) It can’t be that bad…

 

Woman: Go for it then, cowboy. But if you do I’m not gonna be the only one crying. Its gonna hurt you way more than its gonna hurt me…and you probably won’t be able to come…I bet you’ve already gone soft.

 

Man: I doubt I’ll cry…(looks down) Dammit. I’ve got you here and I aint goin down for this if I’m not even gonna……That’s kinda the whole point.

 

Woman: So what are you gonna do?

 

Man: I didn’t really plan on this. Shit.

 

Woman: Suggestion?

 

Man: (shrugs) Ya, sure. Why not? What do I have to lose?

 

Woman: Try a little romance. And when you do undress, remember—

 

Man: Ya, ya. Shirt off first. I got it.

 

Woman: And don’t rush things either. Do a little striptease, maybe. But whatever you do do not come into bed with your socks on.

 

Some God: What is wrong with that woman?

 

Some Devil: You mean besides free will?

 

(The Man starts bobbing his head.)

 

Woman: What are you doing?

 

Man: Well, I—you said striptease so I was like imagining some dance music…

 

Woman: Ok, well, don’t.

 

Man: Ok…(Pauses, then continues to strip, and not very well.)

 

Some Devil: You proud of your boy?

 

Some God: They are both my children.

 

Some Devil: So…You’re proud of both of them right now?

 

Woman: That’s it baby, work it!

 

Man: You like that?

 

Woman: Oh yeah…Mmm, mmmm…

 

Man: (grinning) So, you wet yet?

 

Woman: (looking really let down) Aaaand the doors have slammed shut.

 

Man: What? No! I was just askin’…Shit. (continues dancing)

 

Woman: Let’s just see those jeans come off, baby.

 

(Man finishes stripping.)

 

Woman: I’m ready big guy.

 

(Man peels his socks off and jumps onto the bed.)

 

Woman: Christ! What is wrong with you?

 

Man: What?

 

Woman: Who the hell takes their socks off last? (Tilts her head back and rolls her eyes.)

 

Man: But I took ‘em off before coming to bed like you said…

 

Woman: Come here. Put your hand there.

 

Man: Aw, shit. (Puts his head in his hands)

 

Some God: Kick him in the nuts! You can escape!

 

Some Devil: As opposed to “turn the other cheek”?

 

Woman: C’mon, it’s not over…You good with your mouth?

 

Man:  (Looks up) Um, well, some girls have made noises…

 

Woman: Oooh, well c’mon, give it a try.

 

(Man assumes the position)

 

Woman: Yeah, you like suckin’ on that?

 

Some God: No…

 

Some Devil: (shrugs and smiles)

 

Man: What?

 

Woman: Oh, don’t stop baby…I’m almost there…(she moans as she climaxes)

 

Man: You liked that huh? Now you gotta be wet all up inside!

 

Woman: Um, actually, no.

 

Man: What? But, you like, came, you gotta be wet, woman.

 

(Some God puts his face in his hands)

 

Woman: Woman…that’s kind of an ambiguous term these days, but you can call me woman if you want to…

 

Man: (not quite getting it yet) Wait, so, what, you faked your orgasm?

 

Woman: Well, that depends on what I was when I was born—and how well you did. One you may find out, the other you will never know.

 

Man: (turning green) No. Covers his mouth. Oh God…(retches)

 

Woman: You don’t wanna go all the way anymore baby? I’ve got KY in my purse…

 

(Lights go out but spotlight on Some God and Some Devil)

 

Some Devil: You need a drink?

 

Some God: Ya…

 

Some Devil: Drinks on you then… (They turn and go. Curtain)

 

 

END